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[I originally wrote this in Sept. 2018. Made some minor revisions for this re-post.]

I was taught that judgement is wrong. That it is destructive. Not only that but I saw the evidence first hand, time and time again pushing people apart instead of bringing them together. I’ve felt the pain of being made wrong or seeing it happen to someone else. And I’ve seen things blow up in my face when I allowed myself to say what I really thought.

So, for a long time, I’ve fought the good fight and urged people to get past their judgements, get underneath them, get the hell away from them. Focus on what you’re feeling, share impact, bring curiosity and get their world—but for god sake don’t judge them!

Here’s the thing though: I’m starting to believe that we can’t just not judge. That we’re actually judging all the time, like it or not. And for good reason: because things fucking matter to us!

Even my earlier statement “judgement is wrong [and] destructive” is a judgement!

So the problem, the way I see it, is that we’re pretending this isn’t the case.

Just because I focus on what I’m feeling, or try to get curious about your experience, doesn’t mean that my judgement will magically vanish without a trace.

Oh, there’s a trace. Have you ever seen (or been) someone speaking in perfect immaculate Non-Violent Communication (NVC) language, and yet still somehow seem to be passive-aggressive or even blaming?

Or, have you seen (or been) someone speaking in perfect immaculate NVC language, and be completely emotionally flat?

I believe that judgement carries energy. There’s something that matters to me, something that I don’t like, goddamit, and it’s worth getting in a fuss about. When I cut off the source of the judgement, I cut off the energy, I cut off the aliveness.

The other way I’ve seen it seep out is the ubiquitous “I feel like…” judgement. As in “I feel like you’re not actually curious about me.” It sounds like a feeling at first, in a way it even FEELS like a feeling. But it’s not. (It’s just in disguise.) So sometime I’m judging you, thinking that I’m not, thinking that I’m actually expressing a feeling! “I’m just saying what I feel!”

And yes, if you’re wondering, I’ve been guilty on all counts.

I realized not too long ago that I was playing it safe in the world of feelings, needs, and inarguable observations. What was once vulnerable territory became a refuge because I learned that sharing my feelings was safer than telling people what I thought. I was avoiding the more-treacherous territory of being disagreeable, holding differences, and risking that someone will be upset by my perspective.

Does any of this feel familiar?

On the other hand, I’m willing to bet that you have had the (sometimes rare) experience of someone judging you harshly and it getting through to you in a way that nothing else could. It woke you up. You heard it and something inside whispered: “holy shit, they’re right!”.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Well, I’m here to say (to judge!) that I think we’re fucking this up. I don’t like what I’m seeing. If I could label it, I’d call it passive aggressive. I worry that by ignoring this part of ourselves, we’re getting impotent as individuals and as a community. I think we’re missing some gold. I think sometimes we’re even causing harm in the process.

Let’s be honest with ourselves and let’s be honest with each other:

I’m judging you.

You’re judging me.

[Maybe you’re judging yourself for judging me too?]

What if maybe, just maybe, that was okay?

Now, to be perfectly clear, I’m not advocating for vomiting our judgements at each other, making people wrong because we don’t like their perspective. Personally, that’s not okay with me. I don’t want to be around that.

However, I believe judgements can be owned. Like really owned. Like way more than “I’m judging that you’re an asshole.”

It’s not an effortless process. It requires admitting that I might be wrong, that I am not an authority on the universe and that others might not share my view.

I find it requires the courage to be vulnerable. And risking that you might not like what I have to say.

It requires asking myself: is what I’m saying truthful? Can I say this in a more true way?  What is it I don’t like exactly? How much of that is real and how much am I assuming? How do I feel when put attention on this thing I don’t like? Underneath that, how do I feel? And What am I really wanting? What really matters to me here?

I think there’s a lot of potential here. I think that when we harness our judgements, go deeper and bring more dimensionality, we harness our dignity. Which means: we harness our life-force. I think there’s so much more possible when I’m connected to this place.

Not only that but I find, more often than not, people tend to be more receptive when I’m coming from deep ownership. It tends to connect instead of divide.

(Note: I’m not saying that if you bring this part of yourself that nobody will get upset; I don’t think that’s realistic. But it sure as hell seems to help when I get more truthful.)

Gosh, I fantasize about a world where authentic relaters go around saying “I don’t like that” without making anyone or anything wrong. That we could risk being disagreeable with each other and see through to the other side (and maybe even still be friends).

The first step is to notice if you’re deluding yourself, pretending you’re not judging when you are. Notice when it comes out sideways in an “I feel like” statement, or even just through your tone of voice. Get honest that you’re making so-and-so wrong, even if you’re not saying it.

Then: dig deeper. You don’t like something. Dammit, you might even hate something. Own it.

And decide if it’s worth sharing. (You always get to choose.)

Ownership is a big topic for me. It’s a vast and foggy landscape and the maps are old and ragged with pieces missing. There are scary dinosaurs and lava fields. (I’m having flashbacks to The Land Before Time.) But for me it’s a landscape worth traversing. On the other side I see new possibilities, with hidden treasures and majestic views.

This journey is important to me (I think for the world too). Will you join me?

If, on the other hand, this post makes you want judge what I’m saying, good! Just, be truthful with yourself that it’s happening. And leave a comment! 

(Note: positive judgements welcomed too. 😉)

Want more? Click here to get on my email list. Or join our Facebook group here. 

And if you want to take a dive into judgement work, check out my Compassionate A**hole judgement workshop.

I’m often surprised to see so few video examples of Circling (that I know of) to show people what it actually looks like.

Circling is sometimes hard to explain to people. I think some good examples could really help get more people interested in trying it out.

Well, in preparation for a weekend I’m leading with Pamela French (for her group Authentic Relating Ottawa) next month, we recorded a few Circles.

Here is ten minutes of me Circling Pamela:

Note that this is just one example of a formal Circle, which (like yoga) can look very different depending on the personal style of the facilitator, where they trained, the format being practiced, and even the other person or people involved.

(Circling can also be practiced informally as a set of skills that can be applied to different levels in almost any interaction.)

So, if people ask you what Circling is and you feel this is close to what it means for you, then please do feel free to share.

By the way, if this is something you’d like to learn, check out the next Level 1 Circling Comprehensive (starting Nov 28, 2018).

[I originally wrote this in Sept. 2018. Made some minor revisions for this re-post.]

I was taught that judgement is wrong. That it is destructive. Not only that but I saw the evidence first hand, time and time again pushing people apart instead of bringing them together. I’ve felt the pain of being made wrong or seeing it happen to someone else. And I’ve seen things blow up in my face when I allowed myself to say what I really thought.

So, for a long time, I’ve fought the good fight and urged people to get past their judgements, get underneath them, get the hell away from them. Focus on what you’re feeling, share impact, bring curiosity and get their world—but for god sake don’t judge them!

Here’s the thing though: I’m starting to believe that we can’t just not judge. That we’re actually judging all the time, like it or not. And for good reason: because things fucking matter to us!

Even my earlier statement “judgement is wrong [and] destructive” is a judgement!

So the problem, the way I see it, is that we’re pretending this isn’t the case.

Just because I focus on what I’m feeling, or try to get curious about your experience, doesn’t mean that my judgement will magically vanish without a trace.

Oh, there’s a trace. Have you ever seen (or been) someone speaking in perfect immaculate Non-Violent Communication (NVC) language, and yet still somehow seem to be passive-aggressive or even blaming?

Or, have you seen (or been) someone speaking in perfect immaculate NVC language, and be completely emotionally flat?

I believe that judgement carries energy. There’s something that matters to me, something that I don’t like, goddamit, and it’s worth getting in a fuss about. When I cut off the source of the judgement, I cut off the energy, I cut off the aliveness.

The other way I’ve seen it seep out is the ubiquitous “I feel like…” judgement. As in “I feel like you’re not actually curious about me.” It sounds like a feeling at first, in a way it even FEELS like a feeling. But it’s not. (It’s just in disguise.) So sometime I’m judging you, thinking that I’m not, thinking that I’m actually expressing a feeling! “I’m just saying what I feel!”

And yes, if you’re wondering, I’ve been guilty on all counts.

I realized not too long ago that I was playing it safe in the world of feelings, needs, and inarguable observations. What was once vulnerable territory became a refuge because I learned that sharing my feelings was safer than telling people what I thought. I was avoiding the more-treacherous territory of being disagreeable, holding differences, and risking that someone will be upset by my perspective.

Does any of this feel familiar?

On the other hand, I’m willing to bet that you have had the (sometimes rare) experience of someone judging you harshly and it getting through to you in a way that nothing else could. It woke you up. You heard it and something inside whispered: “holy shit, they’re right!”.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Well, I’m here to say (to judge!) that I think we’re fucking this up. I don’t like what I’m seeing. If I could label it, I’d call it passive aggressive. I worry that by ignoring this part of ourselves, we’re getting impotent as individuals and as a community. I think we’re missing some gold. I think sometimes we’re even causing harm in the process.

Let’s be honest with ourselves and let’s be honest with each other:

I’m judging you.

You’re judging me.

[Maybe you’re judging yourself for judging me too?]

What if maybe, just maybe, that was okay?

Now, to be perfectly clear, I’m not advocating for vomiting our judgements at each other, making people wrong because we don’t like their perspective. Personally, that’s not okay with me. I don’t want to be around that.

However, I believe judgements can be owned. Like really owned. Like way more than “I’m judging that you’re an asshole.”

It’s not an effortless process. It requires admitting that I might be wrong, that I am not an authority on the universe and that others might not share my view.

I find it requires the courage to be vulnerable. And risking that you might not like what I have to say.

It requires asking myself: is what I’m saying truthful? Can I say this in a more true way?  What is it I don’t like exactly? How much of that is real and how much am I assuming? How do I feel when put attention on this thing I don’t like? Underneath that, how do I feel? And What am I really wanting? What really matters to me here?

I think there’s a lot of potential here. I think that when we harness our judgements, go deeper and bring more dimensionality, we harness our dignity. Which means: we harness our life-force. I think there’s so much more possible when I’m connected to this place.

Not only that but I find, more often than not, people tend to be more receptive when I’m coming from deep ownership. It tends to connect instead of divide.

(Note: I’m not saying that if you bring this part of yourself that nobody will get upset; I don’t think that’s realistic. But it sure as hell seems to help when I get more truthful.)

Gosh, I fantasize about a world where authentic relaters go around saying “I don’t like that” without making anyone or anything wrong. That we could risk being disagreeable with each other and see through to the other side (and maybe even still be friends).

The first step is to notice if you’re deluding yourself, pretending you’re not judging when you are. Notice when it comes out sideways in an “I feel like” statement, or even just through your tone of voice. Get honest that you’re making so-and-so wrong, even if you’re not saying it.

Then: dig deeper. You don’t like something. Dammit, you might even hate something. Own it.

And decide if it’s worth sharing. (You always get to choose.)

Ownership is a big topic for me. It’s a vast and foggy landscape and the maps are old and ragged with pieces missing. There are scary dinosaurs and lava fields. (I’m having flashbacks to The Land Before Time.) But for me it’s a landscape worth traversing. On the other side I see new possibilities, with hidden treasures and majestic views.

This journey is important to me (I think for the world too). Will you join me?

If, on the other hand, this post makes you want judge what I’m saying, good! Just, be truthful with yourself that it’s happening. And leave a comment! 

(Note: positive judgements welcomed too. 😉)

Want more? Click here to get on my email list. Or join our Facebook group here. 

And if you want to take a dive into judgement work, check out my Compassionate A**hole judgement workshop.

I got geeky today and added a list of my favourite Circling-related books to my About page. I’m copying my current list here. What do you think?

Nonviolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg: NVC started me on my path towards understanding Ownership in communication. The book is super clear and organized. NVC is not a replacement for Ownership, but I think it’s an excellent tool to learn it more deeply.

The Power of Focusing by Ann Weiser Cornell: Focusing is like Circling oneself, and a great compliment to the practice. It’s especially good for practicing Embodied Presence and Radical Acceptance. I much prefer Ann’s approach to teaching Focusing than Eugene Gendlin. She also has great resources on her website.

In Over Our Heads by Robert Kegan: Our minds don’t stop developing when our bodies stop growing, but continue to become more complex as we age. Kegan is a Harvard psychologist and respected authority on adult development.  I believe Circling not only helps this process along, but is also a way people naturally communicate at higher levels of development. If this book is a little “over your head”, The Discerning Heart is more accessible summary of his work. (I can also recommend other resources on development and Integral theory.)

Immunity to Change by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey: From theoretical to practical, this book outlines Kegan’s application of his theory of adult development to helping people grow beyond their cognitive limitations and towards whatever the next stage of development is for them. This 14min video is sums up the book’s thesis pretty well. On one level this ItC framework has helped me understand and appreciate the ways in which a person’s way of being is held together. On another level, as a coach, it has provided me a road map to helping people get unstuck in their Circling and relating. The context is leadership development in the business world, which is very interesting to me. (An Everyone Culture continues where ItC left off to explore how organizations can deliberately foster development in their people.)

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso, Russ Hudson: Learning about different personality types via the Enneagram has helped me snap out of the illusion that everyone is either like me or crazy. Not only that, but it’s allowed me to really appreciate people’s differences, not just in their behaviour, but worldview as well. I’ve read almost everything on the topic and this book is the most comprehensive in my opinion. If you’re looking for something short and simple, check out The Essential Enneagram. (I’m a 6w5 for any Ennea-geeks reading this.)

Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth: This may seem a strange addition, but I believe Geneen’s work on intuitive eating is highly relevant to practicing Embodied Presence, Radical Acceptance, Surrender, and Natural Guidance. It’s about getting out of auto-pilot, actually paying attention to what you eat, and learning to deeply trust your self. I’ve struggled with overeating all my life and I’m so grateful to have found this. It’s very practical and organized, with bulleted strategies and examples. If you prefer something more poetic and “literary”, you might enjoy Women Food and God.

Feelings First by Douglas and Naomi Moseley: If, like me, you’ve struggled to get in touch with your emotions, this book is an excellent guide. Even after years of body awareness (via Vipassana meditation and Focusing) and building my emotional vocabulary (via NVC), the ideas in this book have helped me take my emotional awareness levels deeper. The context is romantic relationships, but I think the principles are applicable beyond that.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson: I loved this. Mark is (as you might expect) straight to the point and no-nonsense. I think this is an excellent supplement on Radical Acceptance, Surrender, Perceptual Humility, and aspects of Ownership.

The Art of Circling by Bryan Bayer: Bryan is a teacher and a friend, co-founder of AMP and the Integral Center, and one of the original Circlers from back in the day. To me, this book is an excellent and concise overview of Circling technique, with lots of great tools and perspectives to enhance your practice (especially Shared Reality and Active Empathy). I teach more on principles and way-of-being, so I think this is an excellent resource if you want to add more to your tool-belt.

The Satir Model by Virginia Satir, Maria Gomori, Jane Gerber, John Banmen: I’ve been heavily influenced by Satir over the years via my incredible therapist, Angie. The book goes into parts work and coping strategies, but my favourite part has been the iceberg model, (the different layers of my self) specifically talking about an aspect of being called expectations (or “shoulds”). Looking at expectations has been like seeing the Matrix, helping me understand a key element that affects me and people I relate with. One more gold-nugget is the idea that resistance is not inherently bad, but actually an indication of person’s dignity; this has been so helpful in practicing Radical Acceptance. And there’s so much more here!

In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine: Peter Levine is the OG trauma expert and I really dig his perspective on the topic. This book is an excellent overview of his theory with lots of case studies and even a 1st-person example from when he was hit by a car. Since Circling can take people to deep places, I think it’s critical that we understand how trauma works, both so that if past trauma comes up we can be more able to hold space for it, and so that we can avoid re-traumatizing someone who’s moved beyond their threshold of tolerance. For the short version, check out Healing Trauma (note: this is more geared towards self-healing than understanding the theory, but it’s short and easy to understand).

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath: Circling is not about changing people, but it tends to create change. That said, this book isn’t directly relevant to Circling; I just love reading this shit. I’m also a big fan of Made to Stick, which has helped me learn to simplify my teaching to make it more accessible.

(not a book) The Paradoxical Theory of Change by Arnold Beisser: Speaking of change, this is how it seems to work. Try to push someone to be different and they will reflexively dig in their heals and resist you. However, let go and radically accept someone as they are, and change occurs naturally from within. You don’t get to choose how they change, but you may get satisfaction from seeing someone (usually) better off. To me, this is the magic of Circling.