I got geeky today and added a list of my favourite Circling-related books to my About page. I’m copying my current list here. What do you think?
In no particular order:
Nonviolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg: NVC started me on my path towards understanding Ownership in communication. The book is super clear and organized. NVC is not a replacement for Ownership, but I think it’s an excellent tool to learn it more deeply.
The Power of Focusing by Ann Weiser Cornell: Focusing is like Circling oneself, and a great compliment to the practice. It’s especially good for practicing Embodied Presence and Radical Acceptance. I much prefer Ann’s approach to teaching Focusing than Eugene Gendlin. She also has great resources on her website.
In Over Our Heads by Robert Kegan: Our minds don’t stop developing when our bodies stop growing, but continue to become more complex as we age. Kegan is a Harvard psychologist and respected authority on adult development. I believe Circling not only helps this process along, but is also a way people naturally communicate at higher levels of development. If this book is a little “over your head”, The Discerning Heart is more accessible summary of his work. (I can also recommend other resources on development and Integral theory.)
Immunity to Change by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey: From theoretical to practical, this book outlines Kegan’s application of his theory of adult development to helping people grow beyond their cognitive limitations and towards whatever the next stage of development is for them. This 14min video is sums up the book’s thesis pretty well. On one level this ItC framework has helped me understand and appreciate the ways in which a person’s way of being is held together. On another level, as a coach, it has provided me a road map to helping people get unstuck in their Circling and relating. The context is leadership development in the business world, which is very interesting to me. (An Everyone Culture continues where ItC left off to explore how organizations can deliberately foster development in their people.)
The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso, Russ Hudson: Learning about different personality types via the Enneagram has helped me snap out of the illusion that everyone is either like me or crazy. Not only that, but it’s allowed me to really appreciate people’s differences, not just in their behaviour, but worldview as well. I’ve read almost everything on the topic and this book is the most comprehensive in my opinion. If you’re looking for something short and simple, check out The Essential Enneagram. (I’m a 6w5 for any Ennea-geeks reading this.)
Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth: This may seem a strange addition, but I believe Geneen’s work on intuitive eating is highly relevant to practicing Embodied Presence, Radical Acceptance, Surrender, and Natural Guidance. It’s about getting out of auto-pilot, actually paying attention to what you eat, and learning to deeply trust your self. I’ve struggled with overeating all my life and I’m so grateful to have found this. It’s very practical and organized, with bulleted strategies and examples. If you prefer something more poetic and “literary”, you might enjoy Women Food and God.
Feelings First by Douglas and Naomi Moseley: If, like me, you’ve struggled to get in touch with your emotions, this book is an excellent guide. Even after years of body awareness (via Vipassana meditation and Focusing) and building my emotional vocabulary (via NVC), the ideas in this book have helped me take my emotional awareness levels deeper. The context is romantic relationships, but I think the principles are applicable beyond that.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson: I loved this. Mark is (as you might expect) straight to the point and no-nonsense. I think this is an excellent supplement on Radical Acceptance, Surrender, Perceptual Humility, and aspects of Ownership.
The Art of Circling by Bryan Bayer: Bryan is a teacher and a friend, co-founder of AMP and the Integral Center, and one of the original Circlers from back in the day. To me, this book is an excellent and concise overview of Circling technique, with lots of great tools and perspectives to enhance your practice (especially Shared Reality and Active Empathy). I teach more on principles and way-of-being, so I think this is an excellent resource if you want to add more to your tool-belt.
The Satir Model by Virginia Satir, Maria Gomori, Jane Gerber, John Banmen: I’ve been heavily influenced by Satir over the years via my incredible therapist, Angie. The book goes into parts work and coping strategies, but my favourite part has been the iceberg model, (the different layers of my self) specifically talking about an aspect of being called expectations (or “shoulds”). Looking at expectations has been like seeing the Matrix, helping me understand a key element that affects me and people I relate with. One more gold-nugget is the idea that resistance is not inherently bad, but actually an indication of person’s dignity; this has been so helpful in practicing Radical Acceptance. And there’s so much more here!
In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine: Peter Levine is the OG trauma expert and I really dig his perspective on the topic. This book is an excellent overview of his theory with lots of case studies and even a 1st-person example from when he was hit by a car. Since Circling can take people to deep places, I think it’s critical that we understand how trauma works, both so that if past trauma comes up we can be more able to hold space for it, and so that we can avoid re-traumatizing someone who’s moved beyond their threshold of tolerance. For the short version, check out Healing Trauma (note: this is more geared towards self-healing than understanding the theory, but it’s short and easy to understand).
Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath: Circling is not about changing people, but it tends to create change. That said, this book isn’t directly relevant to Circling; I just love reading this shit. I’m also a big fan of Made to Stick, which has helped me learn to simplify my teaching to make it more accessible.
(not a book) The Paradoxical Theory of Change by Arnold Beisser: Speaking of change, this is how it seems to work. Try to push someone to be different and they will reflexively dig in their heals and resist you. However, let go and radically accept someone as they are, and change occurs naturally from within. You don’t get to choose how they change, but you may get satisfaction from seeing someone (usually) better off. To me, this is the magic of Circling.