[I originally wrote this in Sept. 2018. Made some minor revisions for this re-post.]
I was taught that judgement is wrong. That it is destructive. Not only that but I saw the evidence first hand, time and time again pushing people apart instead of bringing them together. I’ve felt the pain of being made wrong or seeing it happen to someone else. And I’ve seen things blow up in my face when I allowed myself to say what I really thought.
So, for a long time, I’ve fought the good fight and urged people to get past their judgements, get underneath them, get the hell away from them. Focus on what you’re feeling, share impact, bring curiosity and get their world—but for god sake don’t judge them!
Here’s the thing though: I’m starting to believe that we can’t just not judge. That we’re actually judging all the time, like it or not. And for good reason: because things fucking matter to us!
Even my earlier statement “judgement is wrong [and] destructive” is a judgement!
So the problem, the way I see it, is that we’re pretending this isn’t the case.
Just because I focus on what I’m feeling, or try to get curious about your experience, doesn’t mean that my judgement will magically vanish without a trace.
Oh, there’s a trace. Have you ever seen (or been) someone speaking in perfect immaculate Non-Violent Communication (NVC) language, and yet still somehow seem to be passive-aggressive or even blaming?
Or, have you seen (or been) someone speaking in perfect immaculate NVC language, and be completely emotionally flat?
I believe that judgement carries energy. There’s something that matters to me, something that I don’t like, goddamit, and it’s worth getting in a fuss about. When I cut off the source of the judgement, I cut off the energy, I cut off the aliveness.
The other way I’ve seen it seep out is the ubiquitous “I feel like…” judgement. As in “I feel like you’re not actually curious about me.” It sounds like a feeling at first, in a way it even FEELS like a feeling. But it’s not. (It’s just in disguise.) So sometime I’m judging you, thinking that I’m not, thinking that I’m actually expressing a feeling! “I’m just saying what I feel!”
And yes, if you’re wondering, I’ve been guilty on all counts.
I realized not too long ago that I was playing it safe in the world of feelings, needs, and inarguable observations. What was once vulnerable territory became a refuge because I learned that sharing my feelings was safer than telling people what I thought. I was avoiding the more-treacherous territory of being disagreeable, holding differences, and risking that someone will be upset by my perspective.
Does any of this feel familiar?
On the other hand, I’m willing to bet that you have had the (sometimes rare) experience of someone judging you harshly and it getting through to you in a way that nothing else could. It woke you up. You heard it and something inside whispered: “holy shit, they’re right!”.
Do you know what I’m talking about?
Well, I’m here to say (to judge!) that I think we’re fucking this up. I don’t like what I’m seeing. If I could label it, I’d call it passive aggressive. I worry that by ignoring this part of ourselves, we’re getting impotent as individuals and as a community. I think we’re missing some gold. I think sometimes we’re even causing harm in the process.
Let’s be honest with ourselves and let’s be honest with each other:
I’m judging you.
You’re judging me.
[Maybe you’re judging yourself for judging me too?]
What if maybe, just maybe, that was okay?
Now, to be perfectly clear, I’m not advocating for vomiting our judgements at each other, making people wrong because we don’t like their perspective. Personally, that’s not okay with me. I don’t want to be around that.
However, I believe judgements can be owned. Like really owned. Like way more than “I’m judging that you’re an asshole.”
It’s not an effortless process. It requires admitting that I might be wrong, that I am not an authority on the universe and that others might not share my view.
I find it requires the courage to be vulnerable. And risking that you might not like what I have to say.
It requires asking myself: is what I’m saying truthful? Can I say this in a more true way? What is it I don’t like exactly? How much of that is real and how much am I assuming? How do I feel when put attention on this thing I don’t like? Underneath that, how do I feel? And What am I really wanting? What really matters to me here?
I think there’s a lot of potential here. I think that when we harness our judgements, go deeper and bring more dimensionality, we harness our dignity. Which means: we harness our life-force. I think there’s so much more possible when I’m connected to this place.
Not only that but I find, more often than not, people tend to be more receptive when I’m coming from deep ownership. It tends to connect instead of divide.
(Note: I’m not saying that if you bring this part of yourself that nobody will get upset; I don’t think that’s realistic. But it sure as hell seems to help when I get more truthful.)
Gosh, I fantasize about a world where authentic relaters go around saying “I don’t like that” without making anyone or anything wrong. That we could risk being disagreeable with each other and see through to the other side (and maybe even still be friends).
The first step is to notice if you’re deluding yourself, pretending you’re not judging when you are. Notice when it comes out sideways in an “I feel like” statement, or even just through your tone of voice. Get honest that you’re making so-and-so wrong, even if you’re not saying it.
Then: dig deeper. You don’t like something. Dammit, you might even hate something. Own it.
And decide if it’s worth sharing. (You always get to choose.)
Ownership is a big topic for me. It’s a vast and foggy landscape and the maps are old and ragged with pieces missing. There are scary dinosaurs and lava fields. (I’m having flashbacks to The Land Before Time.) But for me it’s a landscape worth traversing. On the other side I see new possibilities, with hidden treasures and majestic views.
This journey is important to me (I think for the world too). Will you join me?
If, on the other hand, this post makes you want judge what I’m saying, good! Just, be truthful with yourself that it’s happening. And leave a comment!
(Note: positive judgements welcomed too. 😉)
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And if you want to take a dive into judgement work, check out my Compassionate A**hole judgement workshop.