The Compassionate A**hole:
Judgement Workshop

 

* Next Intensive Wed. Nov 10 *
( early-bird Oct 20 )

 

 

What if, instead of a barrier, your judgements could actually be a doorway to more empowerment and connection? Insight and perspective? Even greater compassion for yourself and others?

 

“Do you have any judgements secretly lurking in your head that you are afraid to say out loud? This workshop is a way to find out the hidden information they have about you, your needs, your desires. It’s not a place to just feel empty from complaining; there is a pathway here to find the roots of your judgments.”
Jenny McMillan, past participant
(read full testimonial and others below)

 

“But,” you might say, “I thought we’re supposed to be non-judgmental?”

 

You’ve probably experienced the negative consequences of harsh judgement. You’ve likely been unfairly criticized by others. Maybe you’ve experienced turmoil when you found yourself pointing the finger. Or guilt from having hurt someone in a moment of judgement.

 

And perhaps you’ve had a project or client relationship stalled by resistance from another person (maybe even you), who was no-doubt full of judgement.

 

So, it’s easy to come to the conclusion that judgment is inherently bad and we should all aim to be non-judgmental. It seems like the enlightened way. The world would be a much better place if we could all just excise it from our being. Right?

 

This seems to be the goal of a lot of personal growth and spiritual practice. I’ve spent countless years learning to be radically accepting of others, critical of my critical thinking, and nonviolent in my communication. (And there are times where it really seemed like it was working.)

 

Unfortunately, the problem with this approach is that we all judge** (whether or not the words leave our lips). Just getting rid of it is not realistic, and attempting to do so is an act of self-rejection.

 

(**If you believe you’re the exception, I suspect either you turn all your judgements on yourself, or you’re disconnected from this part of your experience—but it’s still there underneath.)

 

Even if you don’t say what you think, it will still come through in your tone of voice and actions. (This, by the way, is the root of passive aggression.)

 

The cost of not addressing your judgements:

    • passive aggression, which tends to alienate people, push them away, and/or have them on edge around you

    • having poor boundaries and becoming a doormat or getting taken advantage of

    • turning your judgements in on yourself, adding pressure and stress when you take too much responsibility when things go wrong

    • getting stuck in conflicts 

    • keeping distance and feeling separate from people who matter to you

    • the fallout and cleanup from rare but messy explosions that result from bottling it all up

    • increased stress and distraction making it harder to be present with the people and things that  really matter.

    • decreased energy and aliveness from denying and suppressing this part of your experience

    • decreased grounding and internal felt safety as a result of being in conflict with yourself

 

 

The Wisdom of Judgements

 

I think we can and should aim to be more accepting of others (which is the goal of being non-judgmental, right?), but not by eliminating the wisdom and aliveness that underlie our judgements.

 

(Plus, it’s hard for me to truly accept you when, on some level, I think you’re a numbskull 😉.)

 

A mentor once told me that resistance is an expression of dignity. In other words, where there’s a judgement, there’s a value, something I truly care about. Otherwise, why would I get so worked up?

 

Let me put this more clearly: I believe a judgement is an attempt to express or protect something that matters to you.

 

Our judgements are a normal and often adaptive part of being human. They help us cope with the inherent complexity and uncertainty of the world. They help us recognize what matters and protect us from what threatens that.

 

“I’ve struggled with judgements and have had judgements about judgements :). I thought that judgements were all bad, and something I need to get rid of, but I realized that … they can provide some real insight into my deeper thoughts.”
Deborah Lim, Yoga Instructor
(read full testimonial and others below)

 

Suppressing our judgements may keep the peace, but the cost is our very dignity, agency, and life force. It’s a path that leads to (among other things) depression and becoming a doormat

 

So, the problem is not that we have judgements. The problem is when our judgements have us.

 

We get into trouble with judgments when we become convinced of our rightness, when our truth becomes The Truth, and when the person we judge becomes bad and wrong.

 

When we are captive to our judgements, there’s no curiosity and there’s no forward movement. We lock in on our positions and in doing so we lock others out.

 

So, suppression doesn’t work. But neither does being self-righteous. Luckily, there’s a third way.

 

And that’s what this workshop is for.

 

How it Works

 

What I find works better is treating each judgement as a partially-formed bit of wisdom from within you. An inner protector is trying to tell you something important, but it doesn’t have the words (because it’s busy protecting you).

 

What’s needed is to use it as a cue to go inside (respectfully), root around, and find the gold underneath. When your inner protector feels like you’ve truly got the message, it tends to let down its guard and let you approach the situation from a more grounded and open place.

 

In this workshop, I’m offering you an opportunity to work through a judgment of your own (about a person or situation in your life).

 

We’ll  start by giving you permission to even just say it out loud without the threat of being judged for it (ironically). Oh, how liberating this alone can be!

 

Then, through a step-by-step process, you will uncover deeper hidden emotional layers, the values or concerns the judgement is standing for, and insight into the situation and what you can do with it in a more connecting, productive, and empowered way.

 

You will learn not only from your own process, but also from seeing others share what they’re discovering.

 

“… it was good to see that others were able to get something actionable from going through the steps. … beyond just seeing how we are the thing we judge but actually transmuting it into something they wanted to do in the world.”
Kasia Zaraski, Facilitator & Leader with Authentic Relating Toronto
(read full testimonial and others below)

 

Note: Unlike my other workshops, this is not a relational process (like Authentic Relating or Circling). Nor is it a free-for-all dialogue. It is a structured process that we will each do for ourselves and share what we discover along the way. It’s self-work that we’re doing together.

 

On Safety: This is a “Brave” Space

 

I intend to create a space that feels supportive and safer than most to explore this, but know that this is a “brave” space more than it is a “safe” one.

 

It can be uncomfortable or even vulnerable to look under your own hood, and it will require your willingness to take some responsibility for your experience by the end. The upside to this is that you will be witnessed in your vulnerability as well as get to hold space for each other.

 

While we won’t do judgements about each other, it is possible that someone in the group will be working with a judgement about a person or group you care about. You may disagree with someone, but we will hold the intention to be fundamentally FOR each other as fellow human beings practicing the courage to do their inner work.

 

Ground Rules

(in brief; to be given in more detail at the workshop)

    1. Honour yourself: remain at choice, and take responsibility for your self-care.

    2. Extend regard to fellow participants: let people have their judgements, even if you don’t get it, like it, or agree.

    3. Confidentiality: you can share a) what was said, but no identifying details about who said it, b) who was there, but not what they said.

 

 

This might be for you if:

    • despite all the self-work you’ve done, you still tend to feel captive to your judgements, or just unsure what to do with them, and you want to break free from feeling resistant, reactive, or defensive.

    • your judgements are causing strife in a professional or personal relationship (or community) that matters to you

    • you can’t figure out why you get so worked up or resistant sometimes

    • you tend to keep silent about what you really think because you don’t know how to bring it in a way that won’t upset people, or the thought of upsetting people is just too scary

    • on some level, part of you wants to connect with people you disagree with, but you don’t know how to get to a place of enough openness with them to actually listen.

    • you’ve tried other approaches like Nonviolent Communication, The Work, Authentic Relating, or Circling, and have had some success (these are legit approaches) but something’s missing and you still get stuck around judgement.

    • you are willing to be uncomfortable so that you can learn and grow from it, including having the courage to take an honest look at yourself and possibly discover that you’re wrong about something.

    • you learn well in a group environment, where everyone is committed, in it together, and “for” one another, and much of the learning happens through watching others

    • doing this scares you a little… and yet you’re still drawn in, maybe even a bit excited to find a new way with your judgements.

 

This might NOT be for you if:

    • you’re right and they’re wrong and you have no interest in seeing it any other way. (I’m amazed you read this far 😅.)

    • you think you might get so overwhelmed or triggered that you’ll lose control of yourself, completely shut down, or otherwise won’t be able to stay present in the group.

    • you can see yourself verbally attacking someone in the group for having a different view.

    • you want to share judgements about other participants in the group and have “processing” dialogues. So we can focus on learning the skills, we won’t be judging each other. (There is, however, opportunity to try this in the Art of Being Real mini intensive.)

    • you’re more interested in the “high” of self-expression or feeling seen than actually growing. While you may get to experience these, they are not the point and certainly not guaranteed. This is about practicing—building our relational muscles—so that you can show up more fully in your life.

    • you are uninterested or unwilling to follow a highly structured format. The structure creates focus which helps to build awareness and is key to this program.

    • you’re uncomfortable with profanity. Swearing will be encouraged at times to help move emotional energy.
       
    • you want a highly relational experience of interacting with group members (like in Authentic Relating or Circling). Again, this is a self-work workshop.  (You may prefer the Art of Being Real mini intensive.)

 

 

“I really enjoyed it! I loved having permission to be unreasonable and to say it out loud. I was surprised how good it felt to say judgements out loud and to just keep digging deeper into them.”
Jenny McMillan, past participant
(read full testimonial and others below)

 

 

When:


This workshop is 3 hours long,

on Wednesday, November 10th,

from Noon to 3 pm Eastern

 

* convert to your time zone *

 

 

Cost:

Early Bird:  60
(if applied for and paid by Wed Oct 20 EOD)

 

Full Price:  80
(if applied for and paid after)

 

Notes on payment:

        • Currency: if you live in the US, EU, or UK, pay US Dollars. Everyone else pays Canadian Dollars (1 CAD = ~ 0.83 USD).

        • Outside of Canada I currently only accept payments via Paypal. Canadians may pay by Interac email money transfer.

        • (New) No refunds. Credit may be given in extenuating circumstances (i.e. an emergency), by request and explaining your situation.

 

 

Additional Commitments & Expectations

    • Fill out an application form in some detail

    • Review all program-related emails and included materials before the intensive

    • Attend session in its full duration, arriving a few min early and able to stay 15 min late if need be (I’ll do my best to end on time, but I’d appreciate your flexibility just in case).

    • Related: I advise not scheduling anything an hour after, to give yourself breathing room to help integrate and process if need be

    • Paper and pen is recommended to help you keep track of the stages of the process or to take notes so that you can do it on your own in the future.

 

Additional Perks

    • Participants will get a judgement worksheet afterwards so they can go through the steps on their own with other judgements they wish to work on.

 

Logistical Notes

    • There are only six spots available to ensure everyone gets enough attention and support.

    • You’ll need a strong internet connection, and a computer with a working camera and microphone. Computer is ideal for best Zoom functionality, but phone or tablet are acceptable if in airplane mode / notifications turned off.

    • For best sound quality, please wear earphones of some sort (ideally with a built-in mic), and be somewhere with minimal background noise and interruptions.

    • You’re expected to have your video turned on so we can see your face

    • There will be one or two 5-min bio breaks. Before we start, please use the washroom, eat if you need to (something light), and take care of any other loose ends before we start.

    • Unlike my other programs,  this will not be recorded.

 

 

Thank you for reading. To request an application or if you have any questions, please fill out the form below and I’ll get back to you shortly.

 
 

(or scroll down for more testimonials)

 


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Testimonials

 

“I really enjoyed it! I loved having permission to follow judgements to their deepest place – to get to go all the way in: should, hate, want. I loved having permission to be unreasonable and to say it out loud. I was surprised how good it felt to say judgements out loud and to just keep digging deeper into them. There is so much information hidden in my judgements. I have my notes and the worksheet and I want to do all my judgements now.

Do you have any judgements secretly lurking in your head that you are afraid to say out loud? This workshop is a way to find out the hidden information they have about you, your needs, your desires. It feels good to say the judgments and then have a pathway to dig deeper and deeper to find what they reveal. It’s not a place to just feel empty from complaining; there is a pathway here to find the roots of your judgments.”
Jenny McMillan, past participant

 

“It was good! I was expecting some engagement between group members, but wasn’t disappointed that it was not that way. The most valuable part was being able to voice something that feels rocky for me to share in some containers or circumstances and do it in a moderated space that doesn’t open up debate or defensiveness. I feel deep appreciation for the space to just be seen and honoured in my disappointment, anger and loss. Thank you for that.

While it wasn’t my direct experience, it was good to see that others were able to get something actionable from going through the steps. Something actionable that is, beyond just seeing how we are the thing we judge but actually transmuting it into something they wanted to do in the world.

I’d say take this workshop if you would like to better understand yourself and your judgements, and learn a process which can allow you to get more of what you are wanting.”
Kasia Zaraski, Facilitator & Leader with Authentic Relating Toronto

 

“I’ve struggled with judgements and have had judgements about judgements :). I thought that judgements were all bad, and something I need to get rid of, but I realized that my judgements have some usefulness because they can provide some real insight into my deeper thoughts. My judgements are a tool that I can leverage to learn more about myself; this is a very positive outcome for me.”
Deborah Lim, Yoga Instructor
(note: this is from another program involving the same judgement process we use in this workshop.)